I remember as a child, sitting on the sidewalk and watching ants and thinking how grateful that I was that we weren't like them. We couldn't be stepped on or sucked into a lawnmower. But then I remembered a clip from the news where someone had died in a horrible way and I questioned myself, "Am I like an ant?" I didn't have the answer at the time and I kind of wanted it to stay that way. With each passing year it became harder to leave that as an unanswered question. Every news broadcast brought me more pictures of hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, now tsunamis and sinkholes (which I never knew to be afraid of as a child). We are so much like ants-we are so busy doing what we are doing all the time and we distract ourselves from knowing that a day of death comes to us all. Hopefully it isn't in any circumstance I've mentioned-ideally it will be quick and painless, but it comes.
This thought makes me uncomfortable. My daughter is 18 next month and I may not have more children. Raising her may my biggest contribution to the world-and my part feels like it's over. If it's time to go soon-have I finished everything that I have to finish? No. Have I said all that I have to say? No. Have I lived the way I wanted to have lived? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. All I can do is live that as a yes today. I want to live the way I want to be remembered as having lived-today.
